Here's your 8-step guide to reconnect with old friends
Hello, you wonderful human.
Rekindling old friendships – those friends from childhood or early adulthood – is a topic that you tell us is tricky for you to navigate. Rekindling friendships after many years can sound like a wonderful thing to do. You’ve found them on social media, and your phone is in your hand with fingers poised to start tapping out that first message.
Crap. What do I write?
Your fingers hover over the screen for a few moments. Then a few moments more. You start typing something.
Nope. That sounds like a work email… You delete the words.
Your next few attempts just seem lame.
And then the questions start in your mind again; those big, ‘what if’ questions, like:
What if they’ve moved on and don’t want to catch up?
What if we do catch up and we don’t get along?
What if we have nothing in common now?
You tell yourself They’re probably too busy to catch-up with me, anyway and you close the message.
I want to give you some great advice to help you rekindle those friendships with people who were important to you.
1. Let them know you’ve been thinking of them
Letting someone know that you’ve been thinking of them is a great way to start that awkward initial contact.
So many things can remind you of someone, can’t they?
Photos, songs, movies, scents, TV shows, flavours can each remind you of them.
For me, songs always remind me of someone and the times and experiences we shared together. And Elaine Benes’ iconic ‘Get out!’ from Seinfeld always reminds me of a particular close friend, as we would do that to each other (albeit more gently) whenever we were shocked by the other’s news or antics.
These specific reminders are great ways to initiate contact. Let them know that something triggered a fun memory of them and that you want to say hello and would love to hear from them.
Press send and congratulate yourself for choosing connection.
2. Let them respond (or not)
How and when the other person responds is now up to them. They may respond within a few moments; they make take a few hours, days or weeks to respond; or they may not even respond at all.
It’s great if they respond. It’s OK if they don’t.
There are many reasons why someone may not respond to your initial connection bid, none of which have anything to do with you.
How and when they respond is on them. It is not a reflection of you and your worthiness to have the kind of connection that you need and deserve.
3. Commit to the next
If they’ve responded to you, ask if they’re open to further connection. If they are open to further connection, you can then decide what you’d like to do.
This bit is always awkward. You’re taking a step towards deeper connection and you’re asking them to do the same. There is a risk that they won’t take that step.
You’ve got to take that step anyway.
This is where being specific when committing to the next helps.
If you feel a live call (whether by voice or video) would be something that you’d like to do next, suggest the specifics: when and how.
If you’d like to do an in-person catch-up next, be specific about when and where.
These points are key:
book it like it’s an important appointment (because it is);
defend it from other priorities (like you would any other important appointment)
do it.
The next two tips are important. They come from my own experience of navigating through my fears before going to my 30th school reunion in 2024 (an experience I shared on this episode of the HUMANS:CONNECTING podcast).
4. Be you as you are right now
Have you ever noticed how you think and act when you’re around people who knew you when you were younger? You notice that you can tend to think and act like you did when you were last together.
You’ve changed in the time between then and now. You’ve grown and evolved. You’re the sum of your experiences and decisions.
It can feel like you need to replicate the circumstances of connection in your youth so you feel the same connection now. You may enjoy hiking and early nights now, but feel that you need to replicate those all-night benders with friends.
It can feel like you need to be who you were back then, as opposed to who you are now.
I’m giving you permission to be who you are right now, in this moment.
Remember, the connection you need only ever comes when you allow yourself to be you in this moment.
5. Let them be them as they are right now
In a similar way to allowing yourself to be who you are right now, you need to allow them to be who they are right now. This is especially true if you’re wanting to rekindle friendships with people you knew as a teenager and in early adulthood.
Despite what we might have thought, no one had it figured out then. We were all trying to find our way and find our place. We were all trying to fit in.
Just as you may be nervous about meeting, they will be too. A sure-fire way to navigate these nerves and for other people to feel connected to you is to see them and hear them for who they are in that moment. How to do that? Listen to them. Be a place of welcome.
The final two tips are things that I think you need to be aware of as you take steps to rekindle friendships.
6. Beware of busyness
Busyness is the greatest connection killer. You’ll probably experience just how tough it can be to lock in a mutually convenient time to catch up. The difficulty increases by orders of magnitude with more people.
We’re always busy. Work, family and chores and our other commitments all demand time.Connection – and our social health and wellbeing – also demand our time. You need to see your connection needs as one of those non-negotiables and be relentless in your pursuit of getting the connection you need: to your self, to those most important to you and to your communities.
Don’t give up if they are the source of the busyness that’s stopping you catching up. Keep going to find a time when you can catch up, even if that time is a few weeks’ distant.
I remind you of ‘book it, defend it, do it’ I gave you at the end of tip 3.
You have a choice to make if you’re the source of the busyness and the busyness is getting in the way of you getting the connection you need.
Where do your social needs fit into your life?
7. Check your expectations
As you go about getting the connection that you need and deserve, you’re going to have some connection hits and connection misses. Celebrate them all because you chose connection.
You may have experiences where you’ll want to – on reflection - check your expectations about what you wanted to happen beyond catching up with someone. For instance, was it really feasible to think that a weekend away would happen as the next event after a single phone call? It may happen eventually, but it’s unlikely to happen soon.
Give it space and time. Remember, and as internationally-renowned adult friendship expert Dr Miriam Kirmayer reminded us in this episode of the HUMANS:CONNECTING podcast, the kind of deep, soul-nourishing connection can happen when you invest time, effort and energy if you want to make the relationship more enduring beyond a single catch up.
8. Remember your worthiness
In experiencing all the connection highs and lows, remember this: you are worthy of love and belonging, right now, just as you are.
When you connect from a place of knowing your worthiness and then living your worthiness, the connection you get back – including from those you’re seeking to rekindle a friendship – will be the connection you need.
This is especially important to understand if you’re thinking of rekindling a friendship with someone who mistreated you or made you feel less than. Please, do not connect with those people who mistreated you unless they have apologised and have changed their behaviour (and not just changed their behaviour in the short-term).
Despite experiencing loneliness, you’re worthy of soul-nourishing connection from those who treat you with respect and dignity.
Do not seek or accept anything less.
Let’s end your loneliness
Remember, there are no guarantees that you’ll have a connection hit rather than a connection miss. The connection misses will sting and you may want to give up.
Keep going. Persist.
Following these tips will help reduce the sting from a connection miss as you practice more and more, I promise.
Have you taken action to rekindle a friendship with someone from your past? How did it go? What did you learn?
Let us know!
That’s it for this article
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Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
Thank you. There is some great advice here that I’m going to use to reconnect with friends I had when i was younger before a reunion later this year.