It could be about helping you connect, but it’s more about helping you consume.
Let's make it work for you and your connection needs.
Hello you wonderful human.
It’s so lovely to be in this special space with you again. I think it's awesome that you've chosento spend a few minutes out of your day to read these words.
You and I are going to explore perhaps the biggest issue – or at least the most common question – I’ve been asked about the prevalence of loneliness and social disconnection: social media.
I’ve been interviewed in the media and on podcasts several times about our work over the years, and a question or comment about social media being at the heart of the ‘loneliness epidemic’ almost always comes up.
I understand. Loneliness and social disconnection is a tough subject. It’s uncomfortable and we want to have simple answers to this gnarly problem. It’s tempting to blame social media for feeding – or creating – the ‘epidemic’. It’s neat and convenient. We can simply say ‘social media’ with a tsk, a shrug and an eyeroll for dramatic effect and we all know what is meant: ‘Yep. It sucks. But what are we going to do?’
Alas, it’s not that simple. Each of us need to assess our relationship with social media platforms and make them work for us and serve our connection needs.
We need to stop believing that social media is social
Social media may have started as a convenient way to connect with people in our lives and in our past. It has been a convenient way to follow businesses, teams and community groups we’re interested in.
It’s also been a great source of support when we need it. Like you, I’ve found myself searching a social media platform for support when I needed it – from finding somewhere to buy furniture to finding coaching support.
But it’s getting harder to stay connected, isn’t it? Our feeds are filled with ads and content suggestions.
It’s not so much about helping us connect as it is about keeping us on the platform and helping us consume.
Social media can be a great tool for connection…
Social media has made it easier to connect with people, doesn’t it?
We can connect with people from our past or currently in our lives easily. ‘What’s your Insta?’ is a way to say ‘You’re cool, I want to have more of you in my life’.
Long lost cousins, high school friends and work besties from previous workplaces can be tracked down and we can connect with them in mere moments.
We see them and the pictures and opinions they share in our feeds. If we connected on LinkedIn, we may be able to see what it is they do if their job title is confusing.
We can make plans to catch up with people for a coffee or a meal. We can plan to see them when we’re next in their area. We can create group chats and events to make plans and share good and bad news.
Yes, social media can be a great tool for connection. It’s quick, convenient and simple. We have such connective powers at our fingertips.
…when we use it.
We don’t really use those connective powers, do we?
Every social media platform has some way that we can connect with someone in real time. Generally, this is through direct messaging and we have a choice whether to connect through text, voice or video. Sometimes the voice and video messages can be recorded and sent, and sometimes they can be done live.
Be honest: how many times have you used the full functionality of these messaging services to connect with someone live in ways that you can see and hear each other in real time?
We don’t do it often, do we?
Nope. Rather than engage with someone in real time, we choose to passively scroll whenever we get an idle moment: on the couch, while we’re eating, at our desk, in bed, on the toilet.
If we think someone’s cool, we don’t actually say it to them. That would be weird. Rather than being overtly weird, we covertly scroll through their feed to see what their life is really like. We might tap ‘like’ a few times – but not too many times – as a way of leaving a type of calling card.
I’m guilty of doing this. I connect with someone on Instagram and then can look through their profile without engaging. There’s a word for this: stalking.
This isn’t connection. It’s certainly not social.
‘To connect’ is a verb. The connect, we need to do something. We need to be active.
As an aside, have you ever noticed that I say ‘We need to do connection’ rather than ‘We need to connect’? Do connection conveys more deliberate activity. But I digress…
What we’re doing on social media is passive. We’re not connecting with what and who we’re seeing on our screens. It feels like it, but we’re not.
Optimally, connection requires us to be in person. As renowned Australian psychologist Hugh Mackay AO tells us in his book ‘The Way We Are: Lessons from a Lifetime of Listening’, the connection we need happens when we make eye contact with another human.
To a lesser extent, we can feel connected to someone when we hear them and see them in real time. For instance on FaceTime, in a Zoom call or when speaking on the phone.
But the carefully selected and edited videos and filtered photos we see on social media platforms is not a place where we can get the connection we need.
If we can see them – or the version they’re portraying – but they can’t see or hear us, it’s not connection.
Social media uses us
Social media still has the potential to be a powerful tool for connection. Right now, it’s a powerful tool to sell us stuff.
It’s a powerful tool to reach us – our hopes and dreams as well as our frustrations and insecurities – when our defences are down.
We teach the algorithm what we want to see through our own actions when using the social media platforms. The platform simply provides more of the content that we’ve been seeing and interacting with. Its marketing power to reach us in our quieter moments is unparalleled.
Let’s not kid ourselves: the platforms are there for us to connect as consumers rather than being a place for humans to connect.
I’m torn on my own use of social media
As someone who’s moved cities and countries multiple times in my life and with friends and family spread far and wide, the connective power of social media is unmatched. I can quickly connect with people through an app – or the same people through multiple apps (as we all have multiple social media apps) – and find out what’s happening with them.
But I don’t.
I use social media passively most of the time, despite being a global loneliness thought leader and human connection expert. I scroll mindlessly, usually on Instagram. I tap ‘like’ on content that I like: A friend’s post, a destination I like, planes, something funny or a very attractive man going doing something (usually he’s fit and wearing minimal clothing).
Then I scroll on.
I know that this is not the connection that I need, but at the end of the day, I’m either scrolling mindlessly because I’m bored or I’m procrastinating, or I’m scrolling because I’m exhausted.
When I’m tired, I want to have a low-key experience where I can get the highlights of what’s happening, where someone is, what they’ve created, etc. without needing to have a 45-minute long conversation with them.
I know that the 45-minute conversation is what I really need, but it’s a tough ask for someone to experience me for 45 minutes when I’m tired and grumpy. I tell you, Jeff and our kids do God’s work most days…
For us here at HUMANS:CONNECTING, social media is an important tool to reach you. It’s a key strategy in our efforts to let you know that we’re here and that you’re not alone in your efforts to get the connection you need and deserve.
We work hard to create engaging, visually pleasing content on our social platforms. Sometimes, I feel really conflicted and feel that our efforts to reach you are simply feeding the beast and not reaching you. But this is a conversation for another time…
How I'm using social media
Here are some of the things that I’ve been doing to help reset my use of social media and to ensure that I’m not seeking the connection I need in a platform, but through it.
Accept that social media main purpose is to help me consume and stay on the platform.
Helping me connect is its secondary priority.
No social media before 9am
I need time for myself in the day and not have the world in my space before I’m ready
Removing apps from my phone
I want more purposeful and intentional use of the platforms, so I engage through my computer, not phone.
A phone number beats an @ handle
Having their phone number means that I’ll text and call someone – connect with them – outside of the social platform where we initially connected. This is more active connection than in a platform.
I’m always open for suggestions and ideas. What’s worked for you?
Let’s end your loneliness
As always, we never want you to reach the end of one of our articles without something to support you in your efforts to become a more connected human.
Social media and human (dis)connection is a hot button issue. Arguing whether social media does or does not cause loneliness risks missing the important thing: you and your social health.
Let’s take the heat out of it. Let’s focus on something tangible.
My advice to you is to join me in what I’m practicing: use it as a tool for connection, not the place for connection. Use it mindfully and deliberately. Use it as the tool that helps you, as Hugh Mackay puts it, make eye contact with other humans.
Use it, otherwise it’s using you.
That’s it for this post
We’ve got some great content coming next to help you become a more connected human. The next article - which is the final article for 2024 - is on how feeding connection starves your loneliness.
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Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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